who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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