3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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