All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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