It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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