At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
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