I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
