I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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