my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
