a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
