your thong is hanging out like whoa
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
