i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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