is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
