you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
