i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
