All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
