I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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