i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
