sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
