Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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