I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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