In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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