Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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