a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
