so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
