Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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