Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
either way he was missing a nipple.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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