Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

Fav 46 1543 7109
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?

Fav 4 1777 1028
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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

Fav 30 3624 1103
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.

Fav 21 1085 6011
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(727): View more from Florida

I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.

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