Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
