tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
