I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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