Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
