Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
