Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
