So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
