he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
