I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
