Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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