Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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