How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
