I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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