Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize