Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
