It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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