apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
