I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
