is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
