I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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