1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
