I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
