So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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