they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
