We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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