Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
