im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
