So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
