you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize