mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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