The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
