wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
