Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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