You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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