He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
