This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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