I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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