oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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