Porn is love you can see.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize